Sample Letter Of Wishes 1
This letter is being read because we are no longer alive. We want to make sure that we have a narrative to accompany our Wills which will make it as clear as possible what we were thinking when we drew up our Wills and the various trusts and how, in particular, we want our children to be treated if we’re no longer able to function as their parents.
First, we would like to say to our children that we couldn’t imagine having been blessed with a more wonderful group of human souls to care for and keep us company for most of our lives that you. We have loved each of you to a depth that neither of us thought was possible, and you, in turn, greatly contributed to the depth to which we became able to love each other. We thank you for all the joy, pride and lessons you have given us over the years. Our greatest wish in this letter of wishes is that each of you finds that which you came here for, and that you never tire or despair in the seeking. May all of existence shine down upon you.
Thank you, also, to our parents for all your love and caring over all these years. We feel blessed, as well, to have been your children.
Now to the most important of our wishes. If we have died with any of our children still in need of a guardian, it’s very important to us that they continue to be raised in the manner in which we have raised them this far. We feel we have been very successful parents - our kids are testament to that. As far as possible we would like our attitudes and actions to be continued.
We have several unwritten rules we have adhered to and would like those who are caring for our children to adhere to as well:
Love the kids unconditionally and let them know you love them.
Say “yes” whenever possible. Never just default to no. This way they have always asked us for permission to do things out of the ordinary because they have had confidence that permission would never be unreasonably denied. So we have a double good effect - we know what they’re up to and they proceed with the confidence their parents approve (or at least don’t object).
Grant as much independence as possible. This is corollary to number 2, but we wish to emphasize that one must trust the judgement of the children (and to a certain extent their natural good fortune) whenever something they want to do is not truly dangerous for them. And by danger we mean real danger. Don’t allow your fears to interfere with their natural intuition. For instance, going white water rafting is not what we would call dangerous. Going out late at night with a bunch of kids we are certain drink too much or do drugs is dangerous. However, if our child is driving his/her own car, has agreed not to drink or drug, and is completely confident of their ability to handle whatever situation may arise, they should be given the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong.
Never force on any human being, and especially not our children, religion, “culture” or politics. They are to be free to choose their own ways.
Give them all the respect you would give an adult, or maybe more (for example, when it comes to the friends they choose). Apologize in front of all of them if you’ve wronged one of them. Listen to them. They have great capacity to analyze situations and know what’s right, but by the same token, if one of them should, for whatever reason, get involved with a bad crowd, watch carefully and talk about how the situation looks to you, what your intuition tells you about those people. But do not forbid contact - that will only force the child to sneak around and/or lie.
Lying is the one act for which we show very little understanding. With the degree to which we listen and put ourselves in their shoes; with the openness with which we communicate and our rule to whenever possible say “yes”, there is no real excuse for lying. Be clear thought that if a child does start to lie, there is something wrong with the relationship to the parent/care-giver. At least with our kids, if they start to lie to us, we’ve done something to destroy their trust. So if they lie to you, please find out what destroyed their trust in you and repair it!
That’s about it for the “Unwritten Rules.” Please just exercise good judgement, and above all listen to the children carefully. Really hear what they are trying to tell you, and try to keep your own biases out of the way of good listening.
A major part of caring for our children will be deciding how to deal with the money we have left in the trust for them. First of all, let’s all be very clear that is is their money. Of course, depending on their ages the trustees will need to exercise good judgement so that the money helps them to live more fulfilling lives rather than the opposite. We believe strongly in being generous to our children but we have expected our generosity to be met with an equal amount of responsibility.
We feel it is important to help each of them buy their first home by helping with or giving them the down payment. They should be able to meet home payments out of their own earnings, however. A possible exception would be if one of the children decided to devote themselves to a worthy but poorly paying profession such as teaching or charity work. A higher down payment or cash purchase would be appropriate.
We wish to make sure that travel, and particularly foreign travel, is encouraged. We have found that our exposure to other cultures and ways of thinking at relatively young ages had a profound positive effect on our lives. We feel both travel as a family and travel as an individual are important. We wish both to be encouraged.
In general we want out money to ensure that the kids have enough to do whatever they want but not so much that they can do nothing. It is our firm belief that the confidence and sense of well-being generated by having an occupation or profession is important to a human being. By the same token, the great security engendered by substantial wealth should also be part of their consciousness, allowing them to pursue vocations and avocations which a lack of wealth might otherwise preclude. We would like our children to be encouraged to make their way in he world but not necessarily to become a standard issue “success.”
As we write this letter, the trusts are set up to give the children and the trustee maximum flexibility. We are assuming that the trustee will default to yes and follow the wishes of the child but, in any event, we would want each child to have a certain amount of income which they can use as they please - in other words, where they do not have to ask the trustee’s advice or permission. So for example, each can get a monthly distribution of some of the income from their share of the trusts - we’ll leave the amounts up to the best judgement of each child and the trustee, but we would expect that each child would have a yearly income of at least $___ when adding together both their own earnings and their distributions from the trusts. If more is warranted, so be it. We don’t want the principal to be used except for a VERY good reason. The idea is to have an extra income to supplement what one makes on one’s own so as to enable an enriched life, but not to throw money around on fleeting pleasures or risky investment schemes.
It is up to our children how active they become in charitable activities. We hope they will find the time and interest to put some of their money to work for good causes. We are intending to form a charitable foundation which donates money to causes (and people) we believe in. Hopefully, our deaths are far enough off that we will have had time to do this and our children will thus have an existing framework from within which they can carry on similar activities.
As far as our homes and possessions are concerned, the children can do whatever they want - co-own, divvy up among themselves or sell. We have no attachments strong enough to make us want to direct any actions after we’re gone.
In closing, we would like to sum up by urging everything possible to be done which encourages in our children, and in the world in general, the development of kind, capable, calm, creative and caring people.